February 16, 2012

A few weeks ago, I started back on my fertility meds.

After having a little break from the meds, appointments, and procedures, it gave me a little clarity.

First off, I feel like I am leading a secret life when I am trying to conceive.

Early morning appointments, routine vaginal ultrasounds, blood draws, daily meds, occasional injections, and a monthly IUI  are all things I do not talk about.

Maybe it is insecurity, or fear, or a desire for privacy, but my silence leaves most people in the dark about what is really going on in my life.

Another thing I realized, I am very comfortable with my vagina these days.

Seriously, I used to get the "sweats" just thinking about my annual gyn visit.

When doing fertility treatments and depending on the circumstances, I can have my legs in stir-ups weekly.

All hesitations I once had about my southern regions are gone.

Next  up, I am coming to terms with cessation.

This process to create life is not for the weak.

It is rough.

It is humbling and crushing and defeating.

It takes a brave woman to know when her time is done,

to know when the fight is not worth fighting,

to know she did her best.

I am not quite there yet.

That view is in my horizon, and I am not nearly as fearful as I once was.

Finally, I know I am blessed.

It comes across as trite to say so, but it is the truth.

I have these two little girls, who unknowingly, have been my valiant cohorts through nearly everything.

Ideally, I would never involve them in this aspect of my life, but the circumstances make it necessary. 

They have woken up early, sat through endless appointment, taken interest in ultrasounds and blood draws.

Never once have they murmured or complained.

Elle is earnest in her interest and concern for my "ba-giant" (vagina) appointments.

Olive is a keen observer to my efforts.

If anything, I pray they glean that being a woman means being brave, steadfast, and ALWAYS true to their heart's desires.