12.15.11

I started miscarrying today.

Well, it started a few weeks ago when I went to my first ultrasound. 

There were no heart tones, but it was early.

I prayed for courage and the patience to wait out a week for the next ultrasound.

During the next ultrasound, there was a heartbeat, but there was no growth.

There was a glimmer of hope, so I started taking Heparin shots twice a day along with progesterone. 

Even though my stomach ached from the shots and looked like hell, it was worth it if it was going to work.

A week passed by and it is was time for the next ultrasound.

If you know me, you know I like direct.

I just needed an answer.

Half way through the ultrasound, the ultrasound machine decided to stop working.

As the machine rebooted, and I laid half-nude, in stir-ups, with a vaginal probe in place, discussing Christmas gifts to avoid the awkward nature of the situation, I got the giggles. 

The kind that make you shake from the inside out. 

The kind that give you tears.

The kind that are covering how you are really feeling.

With every ounce of strength in my soul, I stopped laughing.

I was given the option of letting nature take its course.

Knowing me, I would wake up on Christmas morning to a miscarriage.

Instead, I took the pharmaceutical route... 

with the option to schedule my miscarriage.

I was going to wait until Friday because my schedule was so busy this week.

School parties, horseback riding, Relief Society Christmas parties, wrapping, baking, and mothering were priorities.

Then last night, I realized I was torturing myself. 

When Dave came home, we started the process.

(There are perks to have an OB as a husband.)

I rested, and Dave tended our girls.

After a long night, Dave and I laid in bed, comforted by each other.

He confessed he had cried all night...

not as much for the loss but more for my suffering.

For as hard and challenging as our marriage has been as times, I felt so humbled to be married to such a gentle soul.

My true gift in this life is having him as my companion.

Because I made myself a priority, I took this day as my own.

I let go of something that was never meant to be.

I rested and enjoyed my children.

When they left for a play date, I turned on sad country music(Country Strong Soundtrack), and I cut out pajamas for Christmas Eve.

Olive, I wrote this for you. I promised you that I would tell you someday why I was crying last night.

You are too young for some of my realities, but I keep my promises. When you are old enough to read this, you will understand that I was protecting you. You will probably understand why I like to cuddle you and ElleBelle so much, why I let you sleep in our room, why I sew you Christmas pajamas and volunteer at your school way too much. I love you.